It’s mainly at night when my emotions really hit me. I don’t know why, I’m starting to get used to staying up all night until 3 or 4 in the morning. For the past few months I feel like i haven’t been living, I’m not saying that to offend anyone, but I’m saying that because it’s how I feel. It feels like I’ve just been existing. It feels like I could randomly press a button in the air and pause my life. It feels like I’m watching myself in a movie. It doesn’t feel like I’m living, it just feels like I’m watching a really long film on how my life is going.

I don’t like people worrying about me, because I was always told that people have far more worst problems than me, so I do my best to hide my emotions and not be the center of attention. I know only a few people will see this, and if you’re reading this and you feel the same way, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you’re just reading this as someone that can “relate”, I’m sorry that you’re wasting time in your life to read my sad emotions. I’m sorry that I can’t physically help you feel better. I’m sorry that we both feel this way. I’m sorry that we’d rather keep to ourselves than add weight to another person’s shoulders.

I’m not sad, nor do I feel pain. I’m just really bothered. I’m bothered that I can’t explain my emotions correctly. I’m bothered that everytime someone tells me to open up I always change the subject because I know I’ll bore them. I’m bothered that my mind is a sick and twisted place that I’m always trapped in. I’m bothered with myself. I’m not insecure, I’m not jealous, I’m just bothered.

Whatever it is that I’m going through, I know there’s an end to it. There’s an end to everything, most times we’re just too hurt to realize it. We get used to feeling certain emotions that we forget certain things are happening. I’m probably going to lay in bed for another hour just staring at the ceiling thinking about what I’m writing now. It’s currently 3 in the morning, and I’m right here writing what I feel. I feel like this isn’t even ALL I feel, this is just a pinch of it.

I’m going to stop writing now, because I know I can go on and on, I want to save that for when I NEED to come back here. Thanks for reading, most of all, thanks for still being here to this day. I know it’s been hard, and I’m glad your suicide attempts didn’t work, because I KNOW that one day, YOU will start enjoying the life you have.

I love you, this is a temporary goodbye, because I know my fucked up mentality will bring me back here.

(I didn’t proof read any of this, so I’m sorry if portions of it doesn’t make sense)

I can’ look at myself the way I used to a year and a half ago. I used to be someone I actually liked, I used to be someone I was proud to be. I feel like the reason for my change is my fault, I held onto something that was mentally destroying me.

I held on too long expecting for a change, but the only change there was, was me.

I put myself into situations I knew weren’t good for me, because I wanted to be the helping hand that people needed. You see, I’d rather help the people around me than help myself. I put myself second when I should become first. Maybe the reason why I’m so sad is because I don’t focus on myself too much. The only time I focus on myself is when I have to change for certain people. I have to change myself in order to satisfy them, because if I be myself, I wouldn’t have anyone to call “friends”. I’m an emotional wreck with insane mood swings, it’s just who i am as an individual.

Sometimes I lay in bed and cry. It seems like the monsters under your bed end up being in your head.

Laying in bed is the time thoughts hit me. I lay there and think about all the things I could’ve fixed. I think a lot about the past to the point I’m not focusing on the present. If I would’ve been smart with my choices months ago, I would’ve had the life I’ve been wanting. I put myself into this path, and I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences. I’m going to own up to my mistakes, although they may eat me alive at certain points. I do regret a lot of things, and I feel like regret is a form of “holding on”.

How can I let go of someone that had such a big impact on me? I think I hold on because that’s the one person I was confident enough to say I was happy with.

We tend to attach ourselves to people. We attach ourselves to specific people because they make us feel good about ourselves, right? Well what happens when they betray us? Or when they do things they told us they wouldn’t do? Well, let me tell you what you probably did. You probably ignored it for awhile, right? You probably said to yourself that you wouldn’t let it get to you, although it was in the back of your mind eating at you. The reason why we don’t point out mistakes as soon as we find out, is because you’re afraid of what the outcome would be. You’re too involved into love with this person that a part of you would ignore something they did. You don’t want one of the consequences to be them leaving you. The thought of loneliness is what controls your actions. You avoid the mistakes they made so the both of you could still be “united”. You’re afraid of them saying “I messed up”, although that’s something you need to hear, because you need them to be honest.

Let me tell ask this, would you rather want the truth? Or the lies that make you feel better?

You gotta realize that you have feelings too.

This person you’re involved with is someone you should run to when you need help, not someone you run away from to get help.