I can’ look at myself the way I used to a year and a half ago. I used to be someone I actually liked, I used to be someone I was proud to be. I feel like the reason for my change is my fault, I held onto something that was mentally destroying me.
I held on too long expecting for a change, but the only change there was, was me.
I put myself into situations I knew weren’t good for me, because I wanted to be the helping hand that people needed. You see, I’d rather help the people around me than help myself. I put myself second when I should become first. Maybe the reason why I’m so sad is because I don’t focus on myself too much. The only time I focus on myself is when I have to change for certain people. I have to change myself in order to satisfy them, because if I be myself, I wouldn’t have anyone to call “friends”. I’m an emotional wreck with insane mood swings, it’s just who i am as an individual.
Sometimes I lay in bed and cry. It seems like the monsters under your bed end up being in your head.
Laying in bed is the time thoughts hit me. I lay there and think about all the things I could’ve fixed. I think a lot about the past to the point I’m not focusing on the present. If I would’ve been smart with my choices months ago, I would’ve had the life I’ve been wanting. I put myself into this path, and I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences. I’m going to own up to my mistakes, although they may eat me alive at certain points. I do regret a lot of things, and I feel like regret is a form of “holding on”.
How can I let go of someone that had such a big impact on me? I think I hold on because that’s the one person I was confident enough to say I was happy with.
We tend to attach ourselves to people. We attach ourselves to specific people because they make us feel good about ourselves, right? Well what happens when they betray us? Or when they do things they told us they wouldn’t do? Well, let me tell you what you probably did. You probably ignored it for awhile, right? You probably said to yourself that you wouldn’t let it get to you, although it was in the back of your mind eating at you. The reason why we don’t point out mistakes as soon as we find out, is because you’re afraid of what the outcome would be. You’re too involved into love with this person that a part of you would ignore something they did. You don’t want one of the consequences to be them leaving you. The thought of loneliness is what controls your actions. You avoid the mistakes they made so the both of you could still be “united”. You’re afraid of them saying “I messed up”, although that’s something you need to hear, because you need them to be honest.
Let me tell ask this, would you rather want the truth? Or the lies that make you feel better?
You gotta realize that you have feelings too.
This person you’re involved with is someone you should run to when you need help, not someone you run away from to get help.
Inside my mind 